Torn.

When it comes down to it, these words are only promises. And I said I wouldn't say them to you, but I'm going crazy on this side of the world. Just in case you managed to still care on occasion. And I don't expect you to understand. Words like "love" don't belong in your vocabulary any more than they belong in mine. I've been trying to forget, and I've managed a little, to look back and think I've been stupid. So utterly stupid.

It's some comfort, at least. Means I'll move beyond. But I still get chills when I see your face, and I can't listen to your voice any longer, or I'll go insane. Really, truly. All I want now is something red to prove to me I'm still alive and that there's pain that exists beyond this mental torture. You've done this to me, don't you realize? And I can't bring myself to tell you that I miss you, and that goddammit but I wish I didn't.

Watch what you wish for...

I wanted my mind to be blanked, to be torn up until there was nothing left of me inside. Shredded, and pieced back together like a mosaic, so I couldn't forget you. And fuck all if I didn't get my wish. It came under the name "Love" and I gave in like a fool. Four letters, right? All I need to remember. Love and Hate and Fuck you all for breathing.

I've lost myself inside what I can't recall, and it's perfect agony. I meant to tell you, to beg you, to do something, but when I see that maybe things aren't as bad for you as they are for me, I can't help it. I have to let you go somehow, in the hopes that you'll exist and thrive even while I can't. Because I'm incapable of putting myself before you, it seems. Even though once I was able to be that selfish. I've regressed, I guess.

I'm not the girl who let things happen, anymore. I'm the woman who makes the waves the wind pushes along. But I'm not happy, and I think you knew somewhere inside that I wouldn't be. I just keep wondering if that was your master plan, all along. And gods, how it hurts me.