A question, a prayer.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're still alive
if you're still breathing
still moving
still anything.
I'm not writing to you
not for you
not about you -
not really -
anymore.
Something about the way it drove me crazy
the last time
made me think that it's better to live
with regrets
than try to fix the present
or align the future.
I think of you every time
I buckle the black leather collar
that I found in the snow
a few days back.
I can't stop the remembering
but I can keep it from consuming me.
I can pretend.
Pretend I don't know who you are
who you were
who I wanted you to be.
I can pretend it's like the old days
when I knew for sure what the future would bring.
I'm sleeping with the wind again
the way I used to,
dreaming of fantasy characters
and wishing I was an Elf
or a magician.
I'm breathing water
and I've embraced the solitude again.
Welcome to my world
where everyone I'll ever need
always ends up leaving -
Keep changing your mind
like clouds in the sky;
love me when you're high
and leave me when I cry.
So long,
this is goodbye.
May we meet again in another life.
Like strangers
passing by.
May we see clearly in a different life.