The way I planned it...

...you didn't leave, and I didn't know I'd been left behind until after the things that needed to came back together again.

The way I planned it, your daughter was just a figure of speech, a figment of imagination or maybe hope gone terribly wrong.

Because the way I planned it, the way I imagined it, you were broken down and sobbing while I looked on, wondering what had caused it, wondering how things can go wrong.

Because the way I planned it, she didn't live long enough to hold on to your attention.

The way I planned it didn't involve wanting anyone dead, just out of the way so I could have you back around again.

The way I planned it didn't require extra sympathy--just the absence of apathy so I could start feeling again the way I've been trying not to for so long.

Because the way I planned it, we were going to go for a walk down the path that connects minds together, the way we did in nicer weather than it is now, with all the rain.

Because the way I planned it, you were going to tell me I had a shot again, to make things go right this time, and I didn't have to accept the past fuck-ups, where I didn't put everything of myself into what I wanted to do.

The way I planned it, you and I went as far as we did in August, except closer, now, and--

The way I planned it, you touched me in ways you never had before, with your hands leading the way to exploration.

Because the way I planned it, your hands on my arms wasn't the only thing I had in mind, despite the fact that that was all I ever asked for when I knelt before you.

Because the way I planned it, I could have what I needed without getting greedy, and seconds of touch before a world that didn't understand what that touch meant was about as satisfying as walking out of a bank a few hundred dollars richer.

The way I planned it could have happened, except for the mistakes you made when I wasn't looking over your shoulder like I should have been.

The way I planned it might have happened, except I didn't know you soon enough, and now I'm just following in footsteps, tracking progress and wondering how long before you realize I want to be more than just a constant in your life.

Because the way I planned it, time doesn't end.

Because the way I planned it...well, maybe I'd begin to mend.

Word of the Day - Waver

I waver between the idea that things could be better, and between accepting that they aren't going to be. It's less than two weeks, now, though I couldn't tell you exactly how long; I've gotten farther away on my oscillating trip, shaken from the side of obsessive to merely dreading. Just waiting, hoping the here and now can hold me faster than the then and there will ever do.
I need to escape these memories--this flirting with future that you're in.

4/20

Happy holidays, to any and all who celebrate.

I'm not afraid of being jealous of your abilities to fight back.

I'm not afraid of being jealous of your abilities to forget.

I say I have a shitty memory, and then the details refuse to leave me alone. I'm caught.

There are a few upsides to life.

But more downsides.

Do you realize how many people are leaving?

It's going to hurt. It does hurt. I wish she had told me before she told us all. I'm getting better at acting, but in the moments of shock, it still shows through. The bitterness still finds life.

I made the mistake yesterday of knowing things. I don't like knowing things. Sometimes. Having it thrown in my face is - at the least - uncomfortable.

But I'm running away, this summer. To better and brighter things.

He asked me if I would live with him, this summer. Train with his memories.

I can't wait. I have no idea what I'll do.

I want--

I want...

Class starts in twenty-two minutes. I don't want to go. I want to stay here, amongst the books and spin fantastical tales. I want to be amazing.

What's the biggest problem with being alive?

...knowing it won't last.

The same problem for all good things, I suppose. I guess I'm free now, escaped.

I just hope it stays that way. I've walked out of reminders of the past. I'm going to sever connections with a world I don't belong in.

Just a creature of water.

Where are you?
Where are we?

Right here.
Right now.