Fairytale Arrests.

ALICE CAUGHT USING "WONDERLAND"

CHICAGO - Child-star Alice was seen yesterday coming out of a well-known drug-dealer's house carrying a bag full of a white, powdery substance. The drug-dealer in question has bragged before that he only deals with a specific drug known on the streets as "Wonderland." The description of this particular drug fits the description police have received regarding the substance Alice supposedly obtained from the dealer yesterday morning. Later that same afternoon, a witness who has requested to remain unnamed, caught sight of Alice and a group of other girls taking the powder in large doses while running around and screaming wildly. It looks like out sweet little child star isn't as adorable a child as we all thought.


ROBIN HOOD - THIEF!

LONDON - Dangerous murderer and thief Daniel Robinson - more commonly known as "Robin Hood" - was captured Thursday during an attempted robbery of the Sheriff of London's private quarters. When questioned about the outlaw, the Sheriff expressed his opinion that Robinson's days of threatening the rich are now over. "Furthermore," the Sheriff added, "because [Robinson] has so many black marks on his record, our little popinjay will soon find himself singing a different tune as he faces a hanging from the gallows." After a burst of laughter, the Sheriff went on to explain that, due to the large number of offenses Robinson has incurred, and despite not having been caught at any of them, he will be hanged as a third offense criminal as well as facing the punishments for first and second time offenders. "Basically," the Sheriff said, "Robin Hood's going to get his right hand chopped off [as a first offense punishment] and then we poke both his eyes out as he screams [as the second offense punishment]." The actual hanging will be a public affair in the center of downtown London. The Sheriff has also extended an invitation to those who are coming to bring along picnic baskets and rotten vegetables.
In an exclusive interview with the accused, Robinson passed along this message:
"o-Tay ittle-Lay ohn-Jay and-ay ill-Way,
ou-Yay wo-tay ad-hay etter-bay e-bay ere-thay o-tay escue-ray e-may. It's-ay our-yay ault-fay at-thay I'm-ay ere-hay in-ay uh-thay irst-fay ace-play."